When I asked my brother if he wanted to see Texas Chainsaw 3D with me, he asked “Is it just an old movie that’s been re-released in 3D, or is it actually a new movie?” I let him know that it is in fact a new movie with a new plot and characters. After having seen the movie, I told him I had changed my answer. While Texas Chainsaw 3D is indeed new in the sense that it was filmed presumably some time last year with a new crew and actors, it lacks originality, uniqueness and ultimately, a point. That being said, it managed to work in a few cheap scares and even a bit of suspense, barely failing to create any desire to see it again.
The opening sequence sets the stage for this secondhand flick as we’re treated to scenes from the original film by Tobe Hooper, with nifty 3D effects added to the opening credits. I found it to be an odd choice that they didn’t simply include a few seconds of highlights from the film, but rather about 5 to 10 minutes worth of rehashed footage. Afterwards, the actual movie begins with just about the most stock group of horror-movie-young-adults gathering together to visit the inherited estate of our main character, Heather. Not long after, the killing begins, making up for lost time spent watching the recycled opening sequence.
While I’m on my soapbox, I’d like to bring to attention some of the more glaring technical problems with the film, particularly in consistency. The original film was released in 1974 and the story took place in the present (1973-1974). In Texas Chainsaw 3D, the story follows Heather, a woman who by no stretch of the imagination is over 26 (which is the age of the actress). Well, our Heather is revealed in the beginning of the movie to be an infant who was present during the events of the 1974 Texas Chainsaw Massacre, making her at least 38 years old. Further, this would mean Leatherface is somewhere in his 60s or 70s. What’s worse is that I’m not just assuming the movie takes place in 2012; the year is shown at an extreme closeup on a grave stone within the first ten minutes of the movie, not to mention the presence of the iPhone 4, which the cop uses as a flashlight and camera to navigate through a house. Unacceptable.
To avoid ruining any surprises (which there are very few), all I’ll say is that the story is stale. You have Leatherface, you have a group of deserving young adults, and you have a few walls in between them. There is a semi-twist at the end, but it’s underwhelming and creates more problems than it solves.
Beyond the dull premise and a couple narrative roadblocks, the film throws a few surprises in the scare department and manages to get a jump or two out of the audience. There were a few cheap scares, which automatically force me to subtract a point or two in quality from my book. However, most of the time when you jump, you’re jumping because a guy with a chainsaw is running full force toward the camera, which is good. The acting leaves a lot to be desired though, which doesn’t at all contribute to the effectiveness of the movie. Here, even Leatherface just seems like he’s made for TV.
If I haven’t completely turned you away from this movie yet, I’d still say wait for the DVD release and rent it. Don’t expect anything new or even a solid, complete movie, but it can be a fun time if you’re with friends just looking to kick back and watch some blood. As the 3D does little more than project a torture device toward your face here and there, you wouldn’t be crazy for waiting for the Red Box release.
2/5
The Crimson Roast 